A surprise reaction that wasn’t that surprising
but it helped me realize that I was on the right path.
A spirited discussion broke out with my co-workers in the design studio recently. I nonchalantly mentioned that Joe Biden had never had a sip of alcohol in his entire life. I was surprised by that information myself after reading a story here. I mentioned it out loud in front of my small tribe of co-workers without any context, it was a random burst of small talk to break up the work day. But wow, the opinionated responses were rapid fire:
“That is crazy, how can that even be true?”
“Not even a sip? That sounds unreasonable.”
“I think that is just weird.”
To his defense I replied, “Well he says he has addiction in his family, and his own son struggled with addiction.”
It was received with skeptical faces and furrowed brows.
“It’s much easier to have not started drinking than to try stopping,” I continued. That comment got some blank stares and questionable sideways glances.
You see, I haven’t really talked about my new sobriety with my co-workers, or really anyone for that matter. It’s still so fresh and I don’t fully trust myself or know how long I can go without drinking. What if I relapse and start drinking again? If I’ve made a big fuss about being sober they may throw it in my face, “Remember that one time you tried to be hashtag sober and how ridiculous that was??”
That’s not really fair, my co-workers are actually kind and caring people. I’m just not ready to discuss my personal life struggles to them, yet. I did mentioned to them that I was doing dry January and that I needed a reset with a little with less alcohol and a little more yoga. I felt safe revealing that information because many other “moderate” drinkers were doing the same and while many of those drinkers will go back to “normal” in February, I needed to create a new normal for myself.
What I didn’t say was that my “normal” was going to kill me, or at least make me very sick. I had lost respect for myself, feared judgement and disconnection from my children and husband, was pushing away my closest friends while building a shrine of shame, guilt, and disappointment. Drinking is a problem for me, and it has been for awhile.
The discussion sparked in my office that day was a moment of clarity for me.
“I don’t trust anyone who has never had a drink of alcohol.”
I USED TO THINK THAT TOO!
But now I’m starting to think I don’t trust people who drink, as well as the alcohol companies, and the marketers who push the poison.
This is brand new territory for me. I’m defending the president, and also the idea that being sober is ok, in fact it may be the right choice.
I had to run out of the office for a meeting, and as I exited the door I could hear them continue the discussion. I didn’t feel embarrassed or self-conscious though. I actually felt strong and curious and excited, like stumbling on an unusual secret power that no one knows about yet. Maybe one day they’ll know it, or maybe not. It doesn’t really matter what other people think or what they do with their lives. I’ve found a new path of my own to explore.
I’m just starting the journey and I know it will be bumpy, it is already rough. The important thing is that something new has happened to my thinking. I have cracked open some unconscious thoughts and a new awareness is seeping through.
I have to credit all of the resources I’ve tapped into online like This Naked Mind by Anne Grace and The Alcohol Experiment, The Temper newsletter, Club Soda podcast — there is a treasure trove of amazing voices and information out there that offer support and guidance.
I’m going to keep pushing forward on this new path, take it day by day as they say. And I hope that maybe one day I will have the confidence to say it out loud I was a drinker, but now I’m not.
