Hard Reset
30 days of experiments, podcasts, and “quit lit”
2020 definitely did a number on me. Uncomfortable feelings that I thought I had successfully stuffed down my entire life came bubbling up. Or maybe it was more of a slow seeping out. Either way, it wasn’t pretty. But I’m going to skip most of the ugly details because that’s not what this piece is about. This story starts on January 1, 2021.
But before that, before now, I rode the struggle bus all the way through 2020. Well to be honest, I’ve been a passenger on the struggle bus for most of my life — dealing with bouts of anxiety and panic, mixing in drops of depression and self-loathing, a sprinkle of reckless behavior, a dash of promiscuity and addiction. Fast forward to when I met a gentle and kind man and we started a family together. I learned how to trust myself a bit more and I finally felt a sense of safety. I quickly cleaned up my act, but the pesky anxiety remained. In fact, raising children ramped up its role in my life, and then the pandemic kicked it into overdrive. I was having panic attacks, like real life ‘call the paramedics and drive me to the hospital’ panic attacks weekly. I dreaded nighttime and was reaching for the tools that (I thought) had always helped. I took my already unhealthy level of alcohol consumption to a new level. Working from home, schooling kids from home, changing from my nighttime sweats to my daytime sweats, and celebrating 3 PM with my first glass of wine. My days ended with a doctor prescribed nightly dose of Pepcid AC and Xanax. Rinse and repeat.
In October of 2020, after many negotiations with my doctor, I started taking a SSRI. Leading up to that decision I was convinced that I was severely sick and I needed to get to the bottom of it. I scheduled multiple tests with my doctor, I wore a heart monitor and did a stress test, I met with a cardiologist and a GI specialist. I had one session with a psychiatrist who charged $350 hourly to finally offer up a diagnoses of anxiety and panic disorder, shocking.
On the very first day of 2021 I started the 30 day alcohol experiment with Annie Grace. Annie wrote a book called This Naked Mind, and after just a few google searches I tapped in to a whole world of modern day sobriety and alcohol free mindfulness. Although I had played the game of shame and guilt associated with my alcohol use for so long, I had never taken steps like this to address it. I learned about gray area drinking and that you don’t have to label yourself an alcoholic in order to seek help. I bought a brand new journal and started to dig in. I joined sober online communities and found many stories like mine, stories of bad habits and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I found inspiration in the extremely honest conversations of women who are also messy and make mistakes, but who own it and continue to have compassion for themselves. I’m reading books and listening to podcasts about people who struggle and then figure out how to struggle less.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find ways to numb myself. In fact, I truly believed that being numb was the key to happiness and contentment. Life needed to be seen through an unfocused lens in order to be bearable. Doctors prescribed some of these numbing tools, alcohol marketing and social norms drove the message home on a daily basis. I’ve tried these tools though and have not yet received the relief I was promised. In fact, these tools may be the problem and not the solution. And hey, guess what else? Alcohol is addicting, both physically and emotionally. It really messes up your brain and your body. It makes anxiety worse, it affects sleep, and it disrupts your brains natural ability to regulate serotonin and dopamine. Yet I continued to search for the perfect kind of numb. Deep down I knew that I would not make it through another year, and then another, going down this same path.
So I’ve made some pretty big commitments to myself this year. My heart is open to the idea that maybe life is about feeling, everything. Maybe there is not one big moment when everything makes sense. The only thing we can do is get to know ourselves, find out who we really are, and then figure out something good and decent and loving to do with our time. Maybe the only chance for happiness and real feelings of joy is to be present and mindful and forgiving and patient.
I’m taking it day by day and telling myself that it’s the journey and not the destination. I’m learning how to sit with my stress and anxiety and cravings, letting the wave pass because I know that it always does. I’m asking a lot of questions and I’m leaning on a community of like minded seekers. I’m looking for new ways to deal with my feelings. But more importantly, I’ve made the decision to stop using alcohol to numb them. This is my hard reset.
